


Two Princes, A Page, and a Cat

by Luneth



Series: Hopeful Heartful Princes and Pages [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: A very cute cat, Domestic Fluff, Enough fluff to kill seven horses, Fluff, Humanstuck, M/M, Polyamory, Sexual innuendos courtesy of Strider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 16:05:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7274641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/pseuds/Luneth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan, Dirk, and Jake are boyfriends and living together in an apartment. Jake brings home a cat. Shenanigans ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Princes, A Page, and a Cat

**Author's Note:**

> I said I'd do it. I said I would. This has to be the fluffiest goddamn thing I've ever written.
> 
> This may or may not be part of a much larger AU and plot in my head. That's why there's a little bit of magic. If you think Eridan is talking oddly, it's because he's avoiding saying "v" and "w." He's not as self-conscious around his boyfriends but it's still there.

The door to the apartment slammed open, smacking back against the doorstop from the force of Jake’s kick.

“Eridan! Dirk!”

“Eridan’s not home yet.” Dirk answered from the dining table, then looked up from his robotics project. His eyes fell on the furry creature Jake was holding to his chest. “What’s that?” Jake held up the pure white cat in his hands for him to see.

“I found her on my trek home after work. She was all curled up in a little box. I couldn’t leave the poor rascal there! And she’s friendly as can be!” The cat wiggled in his grip, and when he shifted to hold her against his arm she purred and nuzzled against his arm. “See? She likes me!”

“All animals like you, Jake.” Dirk got up and walked over to him. “You’re like a fucking Disney Princess.” Jake chuckled and scratched at the cat’s cheek. Her purring grew louder and she closed her eyes to rub against him, tail twining around in bliss.

“Look at her! She’s a little angel!” Jake’s raised his head to look at Dirk with wide eyes. “I’ll name her Angel!” His expression turned hopeful. “I mean, can we keep her? Please? The apartment allows pets…”

“Well,” Dirk reached up to scratch behind her ears, “I guess, if Eridan-”

“The fuck is the fuckin door open?” They heard a familiar voice from down the hall, followed by approaching footsteps. “Is someone tryin to rob us? The unlucky sap’s gonna take one look at Dirk’s katanas and our gun collection…” Eridan appeared in the doorway, keys clenched in one hand as a makeshift stabbing implement. His eyes fell on the cat in Jake’s arms. “…The fuck is that?”

“I found her on the way home!” Jake turned to face him and held her out. “She’s adorable and really friendly! Can we keep her?” Jake shot Eridan his best puppy dog expression, which Eridan expertly avoided in favor of examining the cat.

“Wwhat if she’s got fleas or somethin?”

“We can take care of that! The pet store should be still open. I can mosey on out today and get everything we need! It won’t take a jiffy!”

“Huh.” Eridan reached out a hand for her to sniff. Immediately Angel’s head darted out to chomp down on his fingers. He shrieked and leapt back, slamming the injured hand to his chest and glaring at the cat murderously. “The fuckin thing bit me!”

“I’m sorry!” Jake yelped and put her down while Dirk stepped over to examine his hand. “She’s been the picture of etiquette before!”

“You just got back from the aquarium, right?” Dirk pointed out, “You probably smell like fish.”

“I do **not** smell like fish!” Eridan growled and yanked his hand away before stomping off to wash the cut in the kitchen sink.

“She’s probably just hungry,” Jake tried, “I’m sure she’ll warm up to you in no time.” Eridan grumbled a bit more as he dried his hands. Dirk got out some bandaids and antiseptic and carefully patched up the cuts, then gently brought the other’s fingers to his lips.

“There, better?” Eridan flushed red and his eyes flickered to the side.

“Yeah, sure.” He eyed the cat again, then sighed. “And fine, the cat can stay, as long as-umph!” He stumbled back and caught himself on the counter as Jake tackled him in a tight hug with a barrage of “thank you”s and kisses. Dirk chuckled and got his phone out.

 

timeausTestified began pestering tipsyGnostalgic

 

TT: We got a cat.

TG: omg

TG: ill be over in 5

 

000

 

“Awww who’s the sweetest little girl? You are!” Roxy lay on the ground, scratching under Angel’s jaw and causing the cat to purr in delight. “I mean, obvs not as sweet as my cats but totes up there.”

“Is it gonna be hard to housetrain her?” Dirk hefted the bag of cat litter they had picked up at the store.

“Oh nah. Not at all. Plus she seems real manageable. Aren’t you, you lil cutie?” She fell into another round of soft coos at the cat. “Eri, c’mere. I’m sure she was just playin or somethin.”

“Pass.” Eridan grunted from the sofa. “If she’s gonna think I’m a giant fish I’m stayin o’er here. ‘Sides, I got someone a hella lot better to cuddle.” He jerked his head at the arm he had wrapped around Jake’s waist. Roxy chuckled and lifted Angel up into her lap.

“Why’d you bite Eri you silly thing?” She rubbed the cat’s ears. “Was it ‘cause he smelled like fish? Hm?”

“I don’t smell like fish!” Eridan protested, “You don’t think I fuckin wash my hands after feedin the animals?” Jake reached up to clap his hands against the other’s cheeks, silencing him before pulling him down to flop over him on the couch.

“Chill Eri. I’m kiddin. She’s barely more than a kitten, so she’s probably just bein playful and stuff.” She put Angel down and got up, stretching her arms over her head. “Unf. I gotta head home now. See you guys later. Good luck with lil Angel here.”

Once she had left Jake wiggled out from under Eridan, claiming it was his turn to cook dinner today.

“Pretty sure it’s my turn,” Dirk commented, “I keep a calendar.”

“Stop right there, Strider!” Jake began to shuffle through the cupboard. “This day calls for festivities!”

“Givve it up, Dirk.” Eridan called, still lying on the sofa. “Neither a us can cook for shit and all a us know it. Jake’s the only one who can make somethin edible ‘sides easy mac or ramen.”

“I can make spaghetti too,” Dirk argued. Jake pecked him on the cheek as he passed by, holding a large mixing bowl.

“How about we whip something up together, then?”

“Hm?” Eridan looked over as Angel jumped up onto the sofa. “And the fuck do you wwant?” She padded up to him, tail erect like a flag. She sniffed his leg, then set her forepaws up on it. He cocked an eyebrow, then reached over to scratch her ears like Roxy had done. Angel reared up and caught his hand in her claws before nipping at his thumb. “Fuck!” He jerked his hand back and glared at her. “You just hate me, huh?”

“I think she likes you.” Dirk leaned over the counter to watch them. “She thinks you’re delicious.”

“Yeaugh…” Eridan threw his arms up before standing up. “Fine, fuckin fine, I’m takin a, I’m gonna clean up.” He stomped off toward the bathroom.

Jake set some cartons down on the table. “We’re making his favorite.” He whispered to Dirk.

“The cat’s kinda got the right idea.” Dirk spun an egg across the counter. “I think he’s delicious too.” Jake smacked him on the head with a cereal carton.

“Douse your charming wiles, Sir Strider. Could you get the potatoes out?” Dirk shrugged and headed off to the pantry.

“You sure we have everything? I’d be surprised if there’s more than pasta and instant ramen in here.” Jake shot him a mischievous smile as Dirk opened the cabinet to find a bag of potatoes.

“I got the stuff when we went out to get the stuff for Angel.” Jake declared when Dirk turned to quirk an eyebrow at him. “We should have everything.”

“Clever, English.” Dirk grabbed the bag and tossed it over to the counter. “But why didn’t you let me in on it? I could’ve carried the heavy groceries like a good boyfriend.” Jake gave an offended gasp as he sauntered across the kitchen with a tin of breadcrumbs.

“Excuse me! I think I can handle a few heavy groceries here and there!”

“You can never be too careful.” Dirk held his hands up for dramatic effect. “Who knows what devious secret methods potatoes have. Not to mention-” He cut off as Jake marched over and locked his arms around Dirk’s waist. “-Jake?” Jake grunted and heaved upward, shaking with exertion. “Dude, are you trying to lift me? I’m like twice your-holy shit!” Dirk yelped and his hand whipped out to grab the counter as his heels rose up off the floor. “JESUS JAKE OK! Point taken!” He was dropped back to the ground and Jake stepped back with a giant grin.

“I think that’s enough to demonstrate I can carry some vegetables,” He declared proudly. Dirk released a heavy sigh and leaned his elbows back on the counter.

“Ok, that was kinda hot. But damn man, stretch or something before you try that.” Dirk snagged Jake around the waist and pulled him close again, resting his chin on his shoulder, asking jokingly as he prodded his back, “Here, you strain anything?”

“Buh!” Jake laughed and shoved his hand in the other’s smirking face while steadying himself up. “Hush you! If we continue on this path of ripening apples, we’ll never get supper on the table!”

“I don’t mind apples for dinner.” Jake snorted, then stood up on tiptoes, indicating the much taller man to lean down.

“A snack then.” Jake pecked him on the cheek, then booped him on the nose, knocking his shades askew. “Come on then, can you peel the potatoes?”

 

000

 

“Eridan?” Dirk rapped his knuckles against Eridan’s door. “Food’s ready. You dressed?” Eridan’s voice floated back to him.

“Yeah, yeah…” Dirk opened the door and peaked in. Eridan had changed into his lounging clothes. His hair was still damp and un-styled, flopping over his eyes. Dirk kinda hoped he wouldn’t bother to restyle it for the evening.

More importantly, Eridan was scowling, arms crossed as he glared at the wall. That needed to be remedied, so Dirk strode across the room toward him. “What’s wrong?” Eridan didn’t answer for a few seconds, then finally his eyes flickered over to look at him.

“Do I really smell like fish?” His voice was quiet, and a little upset. Dirk resisted a smile and instead of mentioning the sense of smell cats have, he took it as an invitation to lean in and press his nose to the other’s hair.

“Lavender conditioner.” Dirk shifted back and lifted Eridan’s hands up to his mouth, closing his eyes. “Hand cream. A little anti-septic. You changed the bandaid.”

“It got soggy.” Eridan mumbled. His face had flushed bright cherry again. Dirk finally let the smile spread across his lips.

“You smell fine, Eridan. I’m sure Angel will realize you aren’t some giant cat treat.” Eridan grumbled a bit until Dirk tugged him into a hug.

“Heyo!” Jake’s voice called over from the kitchen. “Supper is served! If you two could stop canoodling in there and come to eat, that would be dandy!” Eridan snorted, then yelped as Dirk scooped him up off his feet.

“Come on, I broke like eight eggs helping to make this.”

They settled down at the table to eat. Eridan recounted the events of the aquarium and how the various animals were doing, then outlined several new campaigns for combatting ecological damage. Dirk listened intently and pointed out the several that were borderline ecoterrorism, and the few that were blatantly so. Jake chattered on about anything interesting that happened on his tour groups, and Dirk described the progress of his latest robot projects and hopefully how they would be of use to people.

“Dunno if you should be feeding her like that, man.” Dirk watched Jake slip Angel some scraps of meat. “She could get sick.”

“Nonsense! She’s a healthy little girl.”

“Alright but **you’re** cleaning the vomit up.”

“Roger that!” He answered cheerfully. Eridan snorted and rolled his eyes, causing Jake to chuckle and try and feed him some pieces as well, “in the case he was feeling jealous.” This led to Dirk getting a few pieces as well for the sake of fairness, then Eridan tried hold Dirk’s can of soda to his mouth and accidently spilled a fair amount onto his shirt. Jake then declared he would just have to finish dinner shirtless.

“Sorry guys.” Dirk got up and grabbed his plate. “No show tonight. I’m just gonna take a shower.”

“Wwe’re runnin out a shampoo,” Eridan reported.

“Got it.” Dirk scrubbed the food off his dish in the sink. “Who wants to buy more tomorrow?”

“I’ll do it,” Eridan answered, “Gotta get the **one** brand that’s ecofriendly and good.”

“Alright.” Dirk tossed his plate onto the dryer. “Could you pick up some cat toys or some shit for Angel too?”

“Sure.” Eridan glanced at the cat and pouted. “If she’ll accept anythin from me.”

“Aw, I’m sure she will.” Jake bent down and lifted Angel up above the table. “You love Eridan, don’t you, Angel?” He ducked his head behind the cat and continued in a high-pitched voice, shaking the cat a little. “Why yes! Of course I do! He’s such a lovely chap.” Eridan snorted and scooted his chair away from the table while Angel wriggled around in Jake’s hold.

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

 

000

 

Eridan’s screaming jerked Dirk out of his sleep. He rolled out of the bed and landed in a crouch on the floor, alarms in his head blaring. Whose room was he in? Jake’s. Eridan was in his own.

Dirk ran out, skittering a bit on the wooden flooring. Eridan’s scream had faded to a stream of irate curses. Irate, but not alarmed. Dirk calmed down a little as he strode over, a sleepy Jake trailing behind him.

“Eridan?” Dirk placed one hand on the doorframe and peeked in. Eridan was in bed, wrestling with a mass of white fur on his face.

“Fuck!” He ripped Angel off his head and tossed her on the floor, where she bolted out, skirting by Dirk’s legs.

“Angel!” Jake’s exclamation was pure stunned betrayal. He gaped as the cat bounced up onto the sofa. “What were you doing?!”

“She w-w-was tryin to kill me!” Eridan shouted, stumbling out of bed and rubbing his face. “She attacked m-me in my sleep, w-w-wwent straight for my fuckin eyes!”

“Let me see.” Dirk flipped on the lights and crossed the room, tugging him down to sit on the bed again. He gently took Eridan’s chin and stared directly into his eyes, partially to examine them and partially because he knew it would calm him down a little. “Looks like your eyes are fine. That’s a nasty scratch on your eyebrow though, and a bite on your nose.”

“She hates me,” Eridan whined, “Sh-She’s tryin to get rid a me.” Jake crawled up on the bed with them, holding the first aid kit Eridan kept stashed under his bed.

“She was probably just playing,” Jake said softly.

“Bullshit,” Eridan grumbled as Dirk wet a tissue with a glass of water on the nightstand, “She doesn’t ‘play’ like that regardin you guys. She hates me.”

“Hold still.” Dirk ordered as he began to clean up Eridan’s cuts. Eridan hissed but didn’t move. “You could keep your door closed,” Dirk pointed out.

“I don’t-” Eridan paused, then continued in a softer, frustrated tone, “I don’t **wwanna** keep my door closed. I like ha…havvin it open. ‘Specially in times a sleepin alone.” Dirk smoothed a Band-Aid over his nose, then gave him a light peck.

“Ok, ok. Jake, can you put Angel in the bathroom for the night?” Jake nodded and gave Eridan a quick kiss as well before sliding of the bed. Once he left Dirk spoke quietly to Eridan.

“If she’s really bothering you, I can fence off an area to keep Angel in, or we can give her to Roxy, or I’ll find a nice home for her somewhere.” Eridan’s eyes narrowed and he was silent for a few seconds, then he raised his head to give Dirk a look of frightening determination.

“No. I ain’t ceding any territory and Jake loves her. I ain’t losin this battle, Dirk. My face might be hamburger meat by the end a this but I **am goin to tame this fuckin cat**.” Dirk cocked an eyebrow.

“You sure about that?”

“Do I look like I’m jokin?”

“No. I know that face.” Dirk smirked and pulled him up into his lap. “You tame that cat, babe. Just don’t go overboard.”

Jake rejoined them on the bed where they buried Eridan in cuddles before settling down again for the night.

“Are you and Angel going to be ok?” Jake asked softly. Eridan ruffled his hair.

“It’ll be fine,” He promised with all the confidence in the world, “I feed tiger sharks. I can handle a cat. Get some sleep.”

 

000

 

Dirk leaned over the counter, a mug of coffee wrapped in his fingers. It was his second cup, so he was finally starting to feel awake for the morning.

“Is Jake up?”

“It’s already half to eight,” Eridan grunted, gnawing on a piece of toast. “Shouldn’t he a left yet?”

“I was up before either of you, and I didn’t see him lea-”

The door to Eridan’s room burst open and Jake hurtled out before disappearing into his own room. There was the sound of him ransacking his clothing drawers and hastily dressing himself before he zipped out again, slid across the floor in his socks to snatch a piece of toast off the table, kissed Eridan on the head, blew Dirk a kiss, then went running for the window with his shoes in one hand.

“Jake,” Dirk called out, guessing what was about to happen. “Jake don’t, I can give you a fuckin-” Toast in his mouth, Jake leapt out the window and disappeared in a bright flash of light. “-ride.” Eridan chuckled and reached for his coffee.

“Wwhat’re you gonna be tellin those cryptid nerds this time?”

“Same as always.” Dirk sighed and put down his coffee. “I know I live with literal angels. Stop calling me or I’ll report you to the police.” He glanced at the clock. “You need a ride to work?”

“I probably don’t **need** one.” Eridan got up and stretched, sighing. “But if you’re asking if I want to spend twwenty minutes clingin to your back on a motorbike I wwouldn’t say no.” Dirk smirked.

“I’ll get my keys.”

“You’re gonna change too, right?” Eridan’s voice was dry as he looked him over. Dirk straightened up.

“I am **offended** you don’t think I could safely operate a motorcycle in Rainbow Dash pajamas and slippers.” Eridan rolled his eyes.

“I guess at the speed you go it’s not like anyone’s gonna see u…” Eridan led off, spotting Angel by the sofa, absolutely enraptured by a sweater sleeve hanging over the arm. His eyes narrowed and he glared at her with a kind of quiet, burning resolve. Dirk shot him a concerned look.

“Dude.”

“It’s fine.” Eridan rocked back on his heels. “I’ll grab my stuff and wwe can go.”

 

000

 

“Alright.” Dirk flipped the switch on the machine and it hummed to life. He nodded in satisfaction. That was ready to be shipped off to the customer now.

Angel hopped up beside him on the sofa, watching the machine with interest. Dirk shut it off and scratched her behind the ears.

“Goddamn, you’re too cute to potentially pull this relationship apart.” He told her, half-jokingly because he knew she wasn’t actually going to wreck anything. Dirk was a little concerned how potentially over the top Eridan was planning to go to get her to like him, though.

The door clicked and Dirk looked up. Jake was already home, so-

“I’m home,” Eridan called as he stepped inside, shutting the door behind him. Angel leapt off the couch before Dirk could stop her and went racing for Eridan. “Happy to see me, huh?” Eridan muttered as she pawed at his pants. “Ok, hang on then.” He knelt down, holding something in his hand. “Howw’s this?” Whatever was in his hands, Angel immediately began to gobble it up. Dirk leaned forward to try and see.

“What’s that?”

“Fish chunks,” Eridan answered, “Scraps from feedin today.” He reached up and smoothed his hand over Angel’s back. “There, there’s the fish you’re after. See? I givve you fish, but I ain’t one. You got it?” The cat responded by licking his hand clean and rubbing up against it, purring loudly. He rubbed his thumb over her head. “Glad wwe understand each other.”

“Is Eridan back?” Jake poked his head out of his room and caught sight of Eridan petting Angel. His face lit up into a bright grin and he whooped, jumping and punching the air. “She likes you!”

“Guess she does.” A small smile tugged at Eridan’s face from Jake’s reaction. “All it took was a bag of fish guts. Oy.” He turned his attention back to Angel as she stood up on her hind legs and balanced her paws on his knee. “Alright, alright.” He returned to scratching her ears, then picked her up, walking her over to the sofa to sit down next to Dirk.

“Congratulations.” Dirk dropped an arm around his shoulders. “You tamed that cat.” Eridan flashed him a proud grin.

“Didn’t evven havve to bloww anythin up. Oh fuck.” Eridan covered his mouth, eyebrows drawn together in annoyance at his stutter. Dirk chuckled and leaned in to kiss his temple.

“Nope, you didn’t. Amazing.”

Jake joined them and climbed over Dirk to hug Eridan around the neck.

“I was a little worried we’d have to send her off somewhere,” Jake admitted. Eridan let go of Angel and reached up to loop and arm over his shoulder.

“Hey, I said I’d get it, didn’t I? I’m fuckin persistent, ‘specially if it’s my boyfriends’ happiness at stake.” Jake chuckled.

“Always the charmer, aren’t you?” Jake’s grin turned to horror. “Wait, is your hand covered in fish juices?!”

“Hey, this stuff is moisturizing, or somethin, probably.”

“What was that, Angel?” Dirk picked up the cat, which had moved over to him when Jake had taken over Eridan’s lap. “Yeah, they really are disgustingly adorable, aren’t they? Don’t vomit fish chunks on me, ok?” Jake rolled his eyes.

“Always with the dramatics, Strider?”

“Are you kidding?” Dirk lifted Angel up, “You two are goddamn drama queens compared to me. This cat is my only ally to sanity.” Eridan rolled his eyes.

“Like you **ain’t** a drama queen?”

“Excuse me. I’m fuckin cool as-” Angel smacked her paw against his lips. “-stop that.”

“See?” Eridan nodded to the cat. “Evven Angel knowws it’s bullshit.”

“Well maybe I’m just bitter because my two boyfriends get to cuddle and I’m stuck with a cat. She’s cute but a poor substitute.” Jake grinned and held out an arm.

“C’mere fella.”

“Wait,” Eridan raised his hand, “we need a rearrangement. My lap can’t hold you both.” Dirk smirked.

“Held us both last week when you-”

“Hush, and scoot closer.”

They re-tangled themselves around until Eridan ended up lying over both their laps. “This,” He declared, “This is optimal.”

“Our Prince has spoken.” Dirk ruffled his hair, and Angel hopped up onto Eridan’s chest, making him raise his head to glare at her.

“Oy.” The cat tucked her paws and legs together and settled down. Her eyes closed and she began to purr loudly.

“Great groundhogs.” Jake took out his phone. “Hold still Eridan. This is photography worthy.”

“She’s tryin to suffocate me,” Eridan complained, but reached up to scratch her chin anyways.

“She is not.” Dirk poked his cheek. “Guess we’re stuck here for some indefinite point of time.” Jakes face lit up.

“How about a movie?” Eridan glanced over at the TV.

“Sure if you can figure out how to put one on.”

“How’s this?” Dirk managed to grab the tablet on the coffee table and set it up against a book. Jake grinned.

“Strider genius strikes again!”

“Flattery will not have us watching ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ again.”

“How about Avatar?” Eridan scowled.

“Fuck no. Put on Harry Potter.”

“We’ll compromise," Dirk declared, "Magica Madoka.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dirk claims they're dramatic but he is just as fucking dramatic don't even try and lie. Actually when I first wrote it I realized Dirk basically had nothing but smooth moments so I hastily added in some parts that proved he was, indeed, a massive nerd.
> 
> They sent that photo to Roxy. Whatever she was doing I'm sure she dropped everything to squeal at the top of her lungs.
> 
> Poor Jane. She didn't get in the story at all, but I assure you she's probably off having a great time.


End file.
